Afraid of My Quiet
She said that she understood my need for quiet but that she didn’t feel safe inside my silence. I asked her why she said that sometimes there was much more trapped inside what I didn’t say and that she didn’t understand it all…that she felt disconnected at times when she only wanted to be closer to me. She tried to give me space as best she could so that I would not feel smothered but feared that the distance would become so great that we would become disconnected from each other That’s when I held her face between my palms and explained;
My quiet is the treatment for the way my brain works. I needed to soothe my mind, to help me focus enough to feed the creativity that lives in me. Sometimes the silence was what fanned the flames of my passion. I told her that I listen so closely to the world at times that it makes my brain, and sometimes even my heart ache. I explained that inside my silence, I’m not hiding secrets but rather organizing thoughts. Otherwise, I would struggle to translate what I feel. I wouldn’t be able to communicate in a way that anyone living would understand. I told her to never worry about those moments when I seemed lost in my own world because whenever I was there, I was steadily fighting my way back to her. There will be times when it feels as if I’m not here but I will never be gone for too long.
Tearfully she smiled and I hoped that my explanation was enough.
- Keith Kareem Williams