Friday, December 21, 2018

SHE JUST NEEDS SOME LOVE


 Today, a little after sunrise, I was up writing and thinking about when I’d see her again. It’s not as if we’re an item, a couple or a thing but truthfully, we’re a lot more than just friends. She’s my favorite savage, cold and dismissive with everybody else but me. I even kept trying to find HER in other women but every single one of them failed because how could anyone else be what she was to me? I never had to question her loyalty or how she felt about me. She was the ONLY one who witnessed ALL of my dark times and never shied away. She knew my whole story because had been right there, even while dealing with her own storms. She never abandoned me. I looked out for her when I could, and as long as my kids had, I’d willingly give her my last. Even when I didn’t have it, she never panicked because she knew that if she needed it, I’d find a way to get it and she’d do the same for me. She was always there when I needed her. I can’t forget that so no matter who I’m with, no matter what she wants, I’m going all out to get it. She was one of the first people to believe in me and when the time came, she told me to quit my job and do this writing thing full time so when everyone else was surprised, she expected me to make that move. I knew in my heart that she would have been disappointed in me if I hadn’t taken that leap of faith to seize my destiny and make shit happen. My head had been full of doubts but she made me brave because of how she looked at me. Because of that, she can ask me anything and as if she heard my thoughts, my phone started to ring.
“Hello,” she said when I picked up on the second ring.
“What’s wrong?” I asked when I heard how she sounded.
“Nothing,” she answered followed by a series of sniffles that told me she had been crying.
“Seriously, what’s wrong?” I asked again.
“I’m tired,” she sighed and I knew she didn’t mean tired from work.
“Where are you? Do you need me to come through?” I asked, ready to drop what I was doing to fly over to wherever she was to make sure that she was okay.
“No, I’ll be fine. I’m just having a moment,” she told me.
“I keep tellin’ you to stay outta your feelings. Ain’t no money in there,” I joked with her.
Then there was an awkward, heavy moment of silence which was rare between us.
“Why aren’t we together?” she finally asked and the question caught me off guard. She had never asked me that before.
“I don’t know,” I stuttered. “You’re a savage…and I’m a monster. It would never work. We’d destroy each other…eventually,” I told her. I said the words but I wasn’t sure if I even believed that myself. Of course, because of how we were, because of our nature, that was a possibility but what if it wasn’t? What if she was the only one that could really love me and what if I was the only one who could love her the way she needed to be loved? I wondered what it could be if we just…let it happen.
“I’m tired of these fucking liars,” she told me.
“I’ve never lied to you,” I reminded her.
“I know,” she answered.
“Who’s playin’ with your heart? Who needs to get shot?” I asked and that made her laugh.
“It’s not that serious,” she giggled.
“Don’t laugh. You know I’m your favorite goon,” I added and even though I wasn’t there, I knew that she was wiping away her tears.
“I’m just tired of getting let down and being disappointed. I’m sick of these fuckin’ lames,” she complained.
“You just need some love,” I told her.
“Come give me some,” she told me.
“Tell me where you are and I’m on my way,” I answered.

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Monday, December 17, 2018

Twenty Eighteen


Twenty Eighteen

To say that 2018 started off rocky and rough for me would be an understatement. I was disappointed that I couldn’t travel and missed out on a festival in Florida where I was supposed to be a featured author. Book sales slowed down and things got shaky for a while, especially during the winter months. For the first time in a LONG time, I started to wonder if I should take a break from this full-time author thing and just go get a regular gig again. Then, I started to read all of the messages and emails I’ve received over the years from aspiring writers, poets and even other published authors who still have regular jobs but would love to write full-time. That’s when I realized that what I’m doing is bigger than me. I’m also one of the most stubborn and determined men alive so, I stopped moping and decided that I just needed to get back to being the savage that I KNOW I can be. Yes, the online sales had slowed down but NOTHING on this earth would be able to stop me from going out in the real world and making things happen so, that is exactly what I did!
I’ve heard people say, “Oh, you’re so lucky. You live in New York so you can do what you do. I wish I lived there,” and I always laugh because it’s somewhat of an insult when folks imply that what I do HERE is easy. This city is notoriously mean, ruthless, unforgiving and fast-paced. Most people give ZERO fucks about what you’re trying to do because they’re busy trying to survive this jungle themselves. 90% of the people you try to engage coldly ignore you. So, explain to me again how it’s easy? All the same, despite the difficulties and the anxiety I feel every time I step outside to promote my work, I do the damn thing anyway. I sell books every day to folks who didn’t step out of their homes with any intentions of buying a book. Some haven’t read anything since High School but I’m turned many of them into avid readers. It takes maximum effort in a harsh environment but, I am proof that it can be done…almost ANYWHERE if it can be done HERE! This is why I encourage other authors to stop making excuses for NOT going out and promoting themselves outside of Facebook and social media.
This is not easy. Believe me. I’ve suffered. I’ve done without. Birthdays and Christmases have gone by where I wasn’t able to make my children’s days as awesome as I would have liked. I am blessed to have two of the most amazing kids in the world. When I didn’t have, they never complained or even made me feel any way because they saw me killing myself every…single…day, just to make things happen. Sometimes, I stay out way into the wee hours of the morning because I made my mind up when I left the house that I would sell EVERY SINGLE copy and I meant it. They worry about me when I do. They’ll call me every five minutes to tell me to come home and to make sure I’m good. I couldn’t ask for better children.
2019 is just a few weeks away but I don’t have any New Year’s Resolutions really. I plan to keep doing what I’ve been doing, protecting my peace and working towards the long-term goals I’ve set for myself. What I DO plan to do is travel more, participate in more book events and take the time to celebrate the small victories with the same energy I celebrate the big ones. I’ve realized that at times, it doesn’t feel like I’m making progress fast enough because my eyes are SO FOCUSED on the finish line that I don’t look around to see how far I’ve come. I got emotional a few days ago when I thought about where I was when this year started and really took a good look at where I am NOW. Believe me, my life isn’t easy. It really never has been but I don’t mind. I’m proud of myself because I’ve proven, over and over again, that I’m TOUGHER and smarter than anything in my way. I never complain about my circumstances or what I’m going through. I just LEVEL the F%#$ UP!

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