Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Cinderella is a gold-digger, just in case you didn’t know. She wore glass slippers? Where I’m from, only strippers wear clear heels. They’re the type of bad girls that dance in hole-in-the-wall, illegal strip joints to get money. Sometimes, they work a gold pole in the middle of an apartment living room. (True story, I’ve seen it with my own eyes) They take their clothes off on a dirty stage, shake their best body parts until everybody tosses money at them, totally dazed and amazed. You can’t really blame Cinderella for what she’s become. She was broke, working hard for other people and hated her life. In real life, the fairy godmother would have been an older, washed up, been around a few blocks, seen-better-days type of woman who would have put her on to the game. Everything she said would have said to Cinderella would have sounded like sense. She would have made it seem like it wasn’t that big a leap from what Cinderella was doing already. She would have just conveniently forgotten to tell her about the emotional scars it might leave. And of course, there would always be a trick searching for Cinderella after she lost the glass slipper from her foot. He’d try to save her even if she didn’t want to be saved, to his own detriment and, ultimately, his destruction.

The Little Mermaid is confused. She doesn’t know if she wants to be a fish or if she wants to walk on dry land. Avoid her at all costs before she confuses you too. She’ll always live on the beach because she’s just one of those people that doesn’t want to make a choice. Even if you move her into your castle, you’ll catch her sneaking off to get wet, time and time again. She’ll even take you swimming with her but, don’t be surprised if she drowns you.

Snow White is attention starved and surrounded by those who are willing to give it in ample doses. All seven of them want her but she wants none of them. (She makes sure she acts like she does though) How else is she going to keep all of the lights on her? Spotlights, headlights, streetlights, camera flashes, and stage lights. She’s perfect from the outside looking in but she’ll never let any of them see her insides, no matter how hard they try. She’ll never show them who she really is. The persona she’s created is what she’s comfortable with, even if it’s a lie. The only problem is that the seven that she’s attracted are miners and will dig until they possess the treasure that they believe her to be. She’ll never give in to any of them totally because she knows that a treasure to them is all she’ll ever be. They want to own her, not love her, or even find out who she is. Eventually, somebody always tricks her into biting the apple though. Then she’s finished.

Sleeping Beauty is a classic. She waits for a prince to rescue her from her life instead of trying to find a way out of the tower herself. But, you see, Sleeping Beauty would rather watch as suitors try to climb up and lose their lives trying to save her. She doesn’t want just ANY man. She ONLY wants her prince. She believes she deserves perfection because she believes she is perfect. Along the way, men will come along that would have loved her but she’ll ignore them and let them go because she’s lost in a daze with unrealistic expectations. At the end of the day, she’ll blame the man she thought was her prince for everything when it’s her own fault that she let more than one KING pass her by while she had her eyes closed.

Rapunzel’s mother kept her locked in a tower, trying to make sure that her daughter never made the same mistakes that she did. The problem with that is, when you take away a person’s freedom for so long, the moment they see daylight, they go wild. The wildest girls had the strictest parents. And, you can quote me on THAT!

The real Beauty is the best because she’s not afraid of the beast. In fact she knows how to tame it. Instead of fighting for no reason, she rather see what makes the beast tick in order to make life with him easier. She wasn’t looking for what she found in him but when she did, she appreciated it. Love is a random thing. It hardly ever lasts when we try to force it to work with what we’ve chosen. Love is always a thing that takes you by surprise. She never saw him in that light but one day, to her surprise, she realized that she couldn’t live without him.