Unsure

Earlier today, I ran into a lady that I sold copies of my 1^st and 2^nd novels years ago. She said that she ran into a co-worker who has ALL of my books and loves my writing. She said that her co-worker proudly claims the title of my biggest fan. It’s always great to hear things like that. Sometimes I feel like I’m shouting into the wind during a hurricane and not being heard. When I hear things like this, I realize that I am making progress and it tells me that I’m really way MORE known than I usually assume. That’s a beautiful thing and it reminds me that all of this work I’ve been putting in hasn’t been in vain. I’m not financially secure or as stable as I’d like to be. The quality of my life still goes with the ebb and flow of my book sales. I keep going because I’m too stubborn to quit and when it comes to my talent, I’ll never stop believing in it. There is zero chance that I’ll quit. That doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy to keep going.

I’m not designed in a way to make me comfortable to whine and gripe online. In fact, I don’t fuss much at all, ever…no matter what’s going on. I just handle what needs to get done and try my best to survive the bs I can’t change. I’ve always been the type of man that gets shit done, even when what needs doing seems impossible. The weight of that is heavy and I know I’m wrong to occasionally envy the folks without a conscience who get to be wrong, who are allowed to fail miserably at everything that’s important without consequences. I have people who depend on me, mainly my children and there are things that I can’t fuck up because it would affect them. Still, I think that because I don’t complain, most people don’t realize how I toe the line between sane and insane. There are times when I mentally check out…when I just want to be left alone as I fantasize about a time when I’ll finally have peace. I take breaks from wrestling with the outside world, which has become more and more of a savage beast. Don’t let the fact that I don’t wear stress on the outside fool you into thinking that I have it easy or sweet.

Some of the things I have to deal with daily should have led to me being committed somewhere, secured in a straightjacket. (At least it would be quiet.) I think I’m just too determined and tough to let anything defeat me. The beast is in for a fight if it wants to eat me…and I hope it gets sick and can’t digest me if it manages to. The way people seem to be determined to destroy other people, or make them feel just as bad as they do makes me sad…and angry too. I look around and realize that on a whole, people are petty and spread misery like a virus. The only way to stay happy is to block it all out, no matter who is projecting the bad vibes that will poison you too eventually. I don’t care how close we are, I won’t allow it. I SWEAR I won’t.

Some people think I’m distant. Others would swear that I’m inconsistent. I guess that’s true, depending on where they’re standing…or what they want from me…but you see…the problem is that somebody ALWAYS wants something from me and sometimes…honestly…I just want to “be.” You see…I don’t want to be responsible for anybody’s heart…although I DO wish that everyone was happy. I’m too melancholy and moody for anyone to consistently depend on me to be the deciding factor on whether or not their heart soars on any particular day…unless they really do accept and want me, just because they love who I am…the good and the bad.

Before I go, I just want to say that I really mean it, with my heart and soul when I thank you guys for supporting my work. I love you all for every book you’ve bought, every review you’ve written, every email, every other person you’ve told about my work, every selfie you’ve posted with my books, every comment, every like, every share every hug and all the love.